European Capture 1996

Reported March 2, 1997
Maastricht, Netherlands EU

Until now, I was afraid to come forward with this story. You see, I was involved with a horrific experience in Europe that has scarred me, possibly for life. After reading about a possible UN invasion of the USA, I am now determined to share my tale of misfortune and captivity.

I was working in Maastricht when this occured. For those that don't know, Maastricht is the city in the Netherlands that the European Union signed their treaties for formal unification. How ironic that this city of peace was the location for my abduction.

I was out on my weekly shopping excursion when I suddenly had the urge for some good old American products. I saw a some-what normal looking male and asked him where I could find some Spam, Hamburger Helper, and cinnamon tooth-picks. The gentleman was normally dressed, for a European, and the only thing I can remember was that he wore a t-shirt that said "UN Invades" on it. I just assumed this was some hip new Euro-techno band and dismissed it. This man walked me through the winding streets and led me into a small shop.

I guess the logo of the store, a Smurf smoking, led me to believe that this was an American grocery store. The store was very dark, but I could smell a stange order, almost like a combination of garlic, rope, and Old Leather cologne. I tried to run, but it was too late. A dark haired, voluptuous vixen with leather pants tied me down to a chair. (I must admit, this was actually a very pleasant experience.) I was terrified that they would torture me with sadistic tools like listening to Men at Work or watch a great movie in a language I could not understand.

What they did was even worse, and I shudder to recall these events. They forced me to drink a warm potion of Guinness, tabasco sauce, and some mind altering drug very similiar to Sudafed. After reaching a near unconscious state, they interogated me. I am unable to recall all of the questions, but fear I revealed the secret recipe for playdough, key invasion routes to the interior of the United States, and my true desire to dance in a cage in a techno-salsa club.

The later piece of information saved my life. Upon hearing my desire to dance, they made me some sort of member in their dance club. They spared my life, in exchange I keep them informed of key US political moves and the Thursday night line-up on NBC. I was given an ID card that I must show when their forces arrive.

I am afraid to say that any American that does not possess this ID will not be as fortunate as I was. I strongly urge all who read this to take severe measure to protect themselves from the very real threat of a UN invasion. Writing a letter to your congressman, taking self defense classes, or learning to dance are all vital activities for your survival. I hope this will give others the strength and courage to come forward. DON'T WAIT UNTIL IT IS TOO LATE.

Matt M.
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