Press Conference Reveals New, Anti-UN, Hi-Tech Weapon!

Press Conference - August 11, 1997
San Antonio, Texas USA

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I am Colonel Jethro Bodine, Public Affairs Officer of the UNIT Covert Psychological Warfare Operations Brigade based here in San Antonio, Texas. I have called this press conference here on the back deck of General Hood's residence in order to announce a stunning breakthrough in UNIT's struggle against the nefarious forces of New World Order infiltration. So without further ado, kindly allow me to call the General out here and introduce him for questions. General Hood, sir?

General Hood: Yeah, what? Who be that out there? What y'all be wantin'?

Colonel Bodine: Sir, this is Colonel Bodine. Can you spare a few minutes and come out here onto the deck?

GH: Well, awright. Best be quick; got another goat on the grill. Hijole! Who in tarnation be all these here people on my deck?

JB: It's allright, sir. They're from the press.

GH: THE PRESS? INFILTRAITIN' MY BACK DECK?

JB: Sir? SIR! Please put down the tequila bottle, sir; they're friendlies.

GH: Huh! Friendly press? An oxymoron, I figures. Well, allrightee now, if'n y'all says so, boy. But hows 'bout that there girly-lookin clown up in my pecan tree there? HE A SNIPER?

JB: Sir! No sir, just another reporter. You can come down out of the tree now, sir. Now, General, these people.....

GH: And who in tarnation be YOU, boy? Y'all works fer me?

JB: Yes sir, I'm Colonel Bodine, your Public Affairs Officer.

GH: How many of them there light poles y'all done gone and cut down?

JB: Well.....none, sir, but my duties....sir! SIR! Please put the tequila bottle down, sir! Your aide-de-camp Betie can vouch for me, sir.

GH: Well, if'n that there be the case.....

JB: Yes, sir, she can. General, please feel free to take the seat there.

GH: Which one?

JB: Sir, there's only one seat there.

GH: Oh.....awright, lemme go an' gits one eye closed up here.....ah,good.

JB: Yes, sir. Now, sir, can you tell these people about this stunning technological breakthrough your brigade's Research and Development division has made?

GH: Huh?

JB: The new device, sir.

GH: Huh?

JB: I see. Well, sir, I've been given to understand that it is a revolutionary type of new munition that has proven to be highly effective against United Nations troops.....

GH: WHERE? WHERE? I CAN'T SEES 'EM; THEY'S WEARIN' BLACK CAMOUFLAGE!

JB: Sir, they're not here just now; not to worry.

GH: Hooboy! Don't be scairin' me like that there, son! The assault rifle ain't done an' got reloaded yet!

JB: Sorry, sir. Now, as I was saying. This new device was developed from information obtained after the General himself narrowly escaped abduction by NWO forces on the last evening of July of this year by a daring and self-sacrificing act. Exactly what happened, General?

GH: Huh?

JB: I see. Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to digress: on that evening the General managed to avoid capture from this very deck by saucer-borne NWO forces deployed from the Mir Space Station solely by means of counter-attacking them with a bottle of tequila, much like the one in his hand now.

GH: Oh, yeah! That cheap bozo Krug STILL ain't reim.....reim.....paid me back fer that there bottle! And it was dang near full! And don't none of y'all be gettin' any ideas about me sharin' this'un here!

JB: Now don't fret, General; we're working on that reimbursement, sir.

GH: Promise?

JB: Cross my heart and hope to die, sir.

GH: Y'all sure?

JB: Yes, sir.

GH: Well.....awright, now. But I be waitin'!

JB: Yes, sir. Now, I understand that cactus juice effected a negative impact on those dastardly saucer commandos?

GH: Seguro que hell yeah! Them there infiltraitin' UN sumbitches commenced to hollerin' and jumped back in their machine and up and gone! Serves them there infiltraytin' UN sumbitches right, 'cause that there goat I had on the grill done gone an' burnt up whilst I was tryin' to show them there girly-lookin' infiltraitin' UN sumbitches a li'l hospitality! Don't NEVER mess with a man's goat, son.

JB: I'll keep that in mind for the future, sir. Now, I understand that your R&D section has applied warhead development technology to invent an effective delivery device to take advantage of this bit of serendipity?

GH: Heck if I knows; I'll take your word fer it, boy.

JB: I see. Well, sir, it seems your R&D section has developed the Tequila Warhead to be coupled to long-range missles. With missles thusly armed, we will be able to deal effectively with everything from low-flying NWO aircraft delivering replacement lightpole equipment to the NWO beachead at the local airport up to and including the neutralization of the Mir Space Station, which is known to be beaming down anti-UNIT mind-control rays, even as we sit here.

GH: Hah! I believes it when I sees it! That there dang Nivek out in Oregon keeps on promisin' to deliver some long-range missles from that there UN train he done gone and hijacked, but he's too dang busy whinin' 'bout Betie an' his hat! Hey, Nivek, ol' hand! She shore do make one good aide-de-camp! But I'm gonna send back that there Rooshian cleanin' gal; she keeps on whinin' 'bout me not havin' no vodka 'round hereabouts! Speakin' of that there airport, HERE COMES ANOTHER OF THEM THERE BLACK-PAINTED SUMBITCHIN' AIRLINERS OVERHEAD NOW! Can't sees 'em, CAN y'all? It be on account of that there black UN paint job!

JB: We'll be sure to relay that information to Nivek by secure means, sir. Now, any questions from any of you press people?

Reporter #1: General, I am Wiley A. Coyote from the Daily Calumny.

Sir, I've noticed that the underside of your Stetson has a rather.....er, prominent shine in this light. Why is that?

GH: That there info be classified, son. And don't act like y'all dont' be knowin'; I knows an infiltraitin' UN sumbitch when I sees one!

Reporter #2: General, I am Luce Cannons from the Weekly Prevaricator. I understand from the pre-conference handout that each of these warheads require roughly a gallon of tequila. Is that true?

GH: A WHOLE DANG GALLON? HEADS'RE GONNA ROLL! Y'all got any idea how much that there swarthy feller at the liquor store charges?

Reporter #1: General, I've been given to understand that your R&D department has been attempting to stockpile large amounts of tequila in order to build up a large supply of these warheads for eventual deployment.....

GH: HUH? WHERE? WHERE?

Reporter # 1: In your residence, General. But it seems that the on-hand supply of warhead-bound tequila, instead of maintaining an even level, indeed seems to be experiencing a rapid and steady decline. Can you account for this, General?

GH: .....zzzzzzzzzz........

Reporter # 2: General?

GH: .....zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....

JB: Well, ladies and gentlemen, it would seem that the General has been utterly exhausted by his efforts on behalf of UNIT. Thank you all so very much for stopping by, and do please feel free to contact the Brigade if you have any further questions. General? General Hood,

sir?......

Colonel Jethro Bodine
Public Affairs Officer, UNIT Covert Psychological Warfare Operations Brigade

[ Browse Reports | About Us | Talk ]
[ Join Us | Comments & Suggestions ]