"Rooskie-Euro-Commies" Invade Kilgore, Texas!

Reported June 19, 1998
Kilgore, Texas USA

To all U.N.I.T. units:

Hey! What has happened here in KILGORE is one helluva dang fight with the rooskie-euro-commy invaders, which we innercepted about 3 am this morning. What happened is, after we de-siphoned that UN-NWO-NOW-AA-CFL-TLC communikay spellin-out ther dismaying plan to invade Kilgore, TX, we borrered the school bus & hit the road in order to stave off ther cruel slawter & mischef.

We was drivin east’a Dallas down I-20 & stopped at Terrel (wher they got the lunatic asylum) (saw my Uncle Bix he is OK but reel hi-strung, eats lite bulbs) & got gas & beer--then Sgt. Bodifer spotted some bigole hunka iron on a flatbed eastbound, which we jumped back in the bus & took off after it cause Bodifer says its some kinda cannon, made by SHARP--& yall know from yore old western movies like thatun wher Tom Sellick’s a sharp-shooter in australya & he shoots stuff miles away, Sharp rifles is gooduns, shoot yer chargin buffalos or yer Indian cheef off his horse or jest knock down a few road signs--annyways, looks like them SHARP boys made’em a CANNON! Big ole thang, shoots at hypersooper fps, wipes out everthang in its path, and so on and so forth, meanin it’d be purty fun to shoot at them rooski-parashooters & ther weerd euro-militory-stuff.

Okay, so we went ahead and hijacked the SHARP gun--jest a coupla dang egghead 4-eyeds takin it to some test range at some college; and we got to Kilgore late that nite & then we found a KOA & got us a good campin spot and r&r commenced. I went down to the Rio Palm Isle (what honky-tonks was afore Gilly’s ruint’em) to find my ole sweet-hert LEANNE (whatta action-packed ole gal!) & she was ther & had that purty litle hat glued on the side’a her head, so everbody got dronk and had a grand old time (deetails of which has bin explicated from the record cause I mite sell it to Penthaus Magazine.)

Then jest about 3 this mornin I woke up to pump my guts out in a trash can, & realized that I heard nothin at all--it was all too quiet, spooked me--so I looked up and MAN! The moonlite sky was fulla rooskie parashoots, but weerd’uns like big ole striped balls with flames in’em floatin in the air, droppin ther mindless drones & drone equipage on this fair Texas town! Well, I woke the boys & we we got the SHARP set up & turnt the cannon barrul perpendiculous, but Bodifer had a litle trubble figgerin out how to unwire the safety catch & them skreemin heatherns was shoutin stuff in American at us, like, WHUT’RE YOO DOIN? And, STOP THAT RITE NOW! “DAM!” Says I, “Sgt. Bodifer it is now or fer naught!” And Bodifer says, “It is done, sir! God Bless Texas!” And that SHARP worked purty good, shot a big ole flame out along with some tow-chains & rocks we tamped down the barrel & it jest whooshed’em outa the sky. End'a rooskies. Then we shot the SHARP off a few more times at other stuff not really related to the invasion & I stepped aroun to the front of the barrel to git a better shot, which is reproduced in these snapshots. We banged at some more planes, not alla which mite’a been rooskies, but war is . . . horrorbull.

Never did see ole Hood & his San Antone brigade. Maybe they attacked somewhers else OR RUN AWAY LIKE COWARDLY MINI-DOGS AT THE SOUND OF THE BATTLE & CANNON-FIRE! Like I say, can’t say, never seen’em, and, uh, haw-haw-haw!

Our Gallant Texas Troops made a run around town moppin up stragglers and hittin the better bars, and by daylite it was all over. I’m sendin this afore we hit the rode for home. Gotta debreef some more Rangerettes & find Leanne fer a big wooptie-doo farewell--man I’ll miss that gal--maybe I oughter branger back home--oh well, such is the trail of tears we ride when we defend our Great State of Texas from villins & trayters. That’s it.

Col. Jimmy Dean Whatley

Do you have questions, comments, or additional information? Take it to the U.N.I.T. discussion group...

[ Browse Reports | About Us | Talk ]
[ Join Us | Comments & Suggestions ]